


soft f***boy

by Kealpos



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-19 02:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kealpos/pseuds/Kealpos
Summary: why shouldnt i put poetry here?





	1. 1927

I’m goofy for you,  
I hope you’re for me too

Kiss me once and show me a life of  
wonder  
Watch me carry a torch,  
call me a sap or a big man

But level with me and answer one question:  
Cash or check?


	2. planes

there’s help if you need it

you say.

i need it i need it

but i

what if i dont need it enough

i ask.

i feel guilty for even thinking that they would

waste

their time on me.

there are people who will kill themselves because soneone couldnt answer the phone because they were too busy

helping me

with some pathetic problem

that i just need to deal with.

im better on my own

i say

only because i dont want to take any hostages down with me


	3. something black gurgles out

ive lost my life to lipstick and dresses  
ive squeezed the blood out of long hair  
ive covered up breasts by dismembering myself  
ive let oil slosh in my throat and eyes until you never heard me speak and never saw me cry  
i let the milk inside my brain curdle away and now everyones been smelling it too long to notice somethings wrong  
i find peace in song but nobody shares my tune  
i let the blade trace in my hand but i never pierce skin

gasoline makes up my blood and spit and sweat, i lit a match and held it to my mouth


	4. i dont look sad and im not

i dont look sad and im not  
im Depressed

my f a c e is  
cold stone  
angry  
emotionless  
a lock no one can find the key to  
my fa ce is empty and void  
my f  
makes people run and parents think im fine and friends think im angry

im not angry or emotionless im Depressed

im calm  _(i bite on my lips you dont realize because i take peeling lip off with my teeth on a good day)_  
and collected _(i bring my hand up to cup my face and im chewing chewing chewing it until it leaves a mark that lasts a half hour)_  
im coping  _(i bang back in my chair in a pattern because repetition is okay its fine im whispering one word over and over again i think i should stop one time i was doing it too aggressively and someone commented and i stopped doing it for a week)_  
pretty well i think _(i spin my ring and tug my necklace and bounce my leg and move my pencil real fast)_  
and i promise  _(i press my nails into my arms into my legs into the palms of my hands until they leave marks that sometimes make dead skin reveal itself for me to pull off)_  
that im doing okay _(i space off so so much im spacing off so much one time i got paranoid that everything was fake including me and my phone an everyone and i spaced off but people think im just sleepy because im sleepy because my brain and my body dont work right but this time im just plain spacing out)_  
and i reassure them that im not  _(i press the knife i keep under my pillow case deep into my skin but i dont move it because that would hurt and would leave scars that i dont want anyone to question)_

Depressed

dont talk to me dont talk to me dont talk tome donttalktome Dont Touch Me Dont Touch Me Dont Touch Me and SHUT UP YOURE TOO LOUD I CANT HANDLE THIS GO AWAY NOT HERE STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

im not unbothered by you or the noise im Depressed  
(and maybe some other type of freak. but im too busy screaming inside my head because of the electric pencil sharpener to question that right now)

im too  
i am  
im not  
im im im

god i need a therapist


	5. gods smell of ambrose

try to pour something in my mouth

its ~~bloodgoldichor~~  fizzy

it drip drip drips drips down d

its on my shorts

 

my teeth are

 

 

fuzzy

 

 

we're empty escaped we're lonely here


	6. transgender

The dark of glasses covers  
a god looks over at me the sea  
Crashes  
They does not smile but i’m happy  
He looks back at the sea foam  
“You’re surviving because you need to” he says  
Not from his mouth but it’s there  
You’re surviving because you need to prove something  
His eyes closed and he glows out  
It’s cold  
You’re surviving because?  
“You keep yourself alive. You need love.”


	7. broadwayxxx

terms and conditions

are for services and for programs

i dont read through those things, theyre unimportant

did i sign a terms of service when i was being made?

the dreams in my head

the serotonin being produced

did i agree to all of that beforehand?

I didn’t read through it all, you son of a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> starting a new thing called 'broadway i am here'   
> its about a failing actor/actress who visits their old haunts b4 attempting suicide


	8. im never getting pregnant and not just because of dysphoria

Small grins, sticky hands  
Fits, no sleep  
“****** will you play with us ****** will you put on this show?”  
Cute

Incubation  
Dissociation  
Dislocation  
No vacation  
They say there’s elation  
But what do I do when my body betrays my brain?  
What do I do when I’m in the hospital?  
How do I handle 9?

Its never going to happen  
I get an F in biology and I’m not even taking a class  
They don’t know my name so they say it’ll happen  
Sure, if it helps you sleep, you can dream

Husband, wife  
I’m not your pretty little mother  
Just a heads up,  
kids


	9. bill and ted (broadwayxxx)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the person pushing away their friend. the friend is named bill like bill and ted thats why theres aiR GUITAIR GKLHGSHGSLG  
> anyways mc and bill have been friends for a long time and mc thinks of them as a guaridan angel that theyre pushing away  
> and mc thinks theyre beyond help and that bill ought to focus on other people.  
> anyways thats my lore

redblack yellow white

carved into the hips and the sun

“they’re sick” they say with a grin?

wings and wax, left

only theyre still here, but they’re focused only on protecting me

everyone elses left but im ignoring mine

high C

air guitar


End file.
